Grief and the Holidays: How to Get Through the Season After a Loss

The group text about Thanksgiving starts in early November, and nobody mentions the empty chair. Someone asks who is bringing the pie your mom always made, and you set the phone face down on the counter. If you are dreading the holidays after a loss, that dread makes sense. The season is built out of rituals, routines and the people who used to fill them, so an absence shows up everywhere at once. There is no right way to get through it, and grief doesn’t follow a schedule. What helps most people is deciding ahead of time what to keep, change or skip, telling the people around you what you need, and planning for the hard moments instead of hoping they won’t come.

If you would like support this season, you can contact us or check your insurance first. We offer grief and loss counseling, individual therapy, family therapy and teen therapy by secure video in the states where we are licensed, and in person at our Wellington, Florida office (full list below).

Why the holidays make grief louder

For most of the year, you can build a routine around a loss. The holidays break that routine. They arrive with a script: the same table, the same dishes, the same people in the same seats. The person you lost had a part in that script, so you meet the gap over and over, often where you least expect it. The box of ornaments. A recipe card in their handwriting.

The season also assumes you feel cheerful. When you don’t, that gap can be lonely in its own way.

Many people find that the weeks before a holiday are harder than the day itself. The dread builds while you picture the worst version of it. The day itself is often painful, and also more bearable than all that bracing suggested. That is one reason a plan helps: it gives the worry somewhere useful to go.

The First Holidays Without Them, and Other Losses the Season Brings Up

Holiday grief isn’t only about a death, and the loss doesn’t have to be recent to count.

• A first holiday after a death. Every first is hard, and this one comes with an audience and a date you can’t move.
• An old loss that feels new again. A loss from years ago can feel close again in December. That doesn’t mean you have gone backward.
• Divorce or separation. A first year of trading days with the other parent, and a house that goes quiet when the children are away.
• Estrangement. When a parent, sibling or adult child is alive but not part of your life, the holidays can bring a grief other people don’t see, or don’t think you have a right to. Our guide for adult children of emotionally immature parents covers that grief.
• Pregnancy loss. If you lost a pregnancy this year, the season may hold a due date, someone else’s announcement, or a question from a relative who doesn’t know. That grief is real even if few people knew about the pregnancy. We offer pregnancy loss and fertility counseling by video in Florida, Colorado and Illinois.
• Someone who is still here but changing. Sitting across the holiday table from a parent with dementia is its own kind of loss, sometimes called anticipatory grief.
• Losses that aren’t about a person. A diagnosis, a job, a home. See grieving a future that is not going to happen.

Plan the day before it plans you

Decide what you can while you still have the energy to think, not the night before.

• Choose where you will be, and for how long. A shorter visit is allowed. Arriving for the meal and heading home before dessert is a real plan.
• Have a smaller version ready. If you wake up and can’t face the big gathering, what is the backup? A walk, or a quiet dinner with one friend.
• Tell one person ahead of time. Pick someone who will be there, knows you may need a break, and won’t make a fuss when you step outside.
• Plan for the hardest moment. If you know the toast or the empty seat will be the worst part, decide now what you’ll do then: step out for a few minutes, say their name, or keep something of theirs in your pocket.
• Put something on the calendar for the next day. The day after can feel flat. Coffee with a friend gives it some shape.

None of this makes the day painless. It makes it more yours.

Traditions: keep, change or set aside

No rule says you have to keep every tradition, and no rule says you have to drop them. Many families end up with a mix.

• Keep the ones that still comfort you. For some people, making the same meal the same way is a way of staying close.
• Change the ones that feel too empty. Host at a different house, order in, or move the gathering to another day.
• Add something that makes room for the person you lost. Light a candle, cook their recipe, hang their ornament first, give to a cause they cared about, or ask everyone at the table to share one story about them. Saying their name out loud often brings more relief than people expect, and it lets others know they can talk about them too.
• Set some aside for this year. You can bring a tradition back later. Skipping it once isn’t a decision forever.

People in the same family often grieve in different ways, so expect some disagreement. One person wants everything exactly as it was; another can’t bear the same table. Talk about it early, and look for a version that gives each person one thing that matters to them.

How to say no without a long explanation

Saying no is hard when you have always been the one who hosts, cooks or holds everyone together. You don’t owe anyone a full account of your grief. Short and kind is enough:

• “I’m keeping things small this year. I’ll call you that afternoon.”
• “I’d love to come for an hour, and then I’ll head home.”
• “I can’t host this year. Could someone else take it on?”
• “I’m not up for the party, but I’d really like to see you in January.”

Some people will feel hurt. That is theirs to manage, not yours to fix. If saying no is hard for you in general, our post on people pleasing and boundaries explains why it can feel so risky.

Children and teens grieving at the holidays

Children grieve too, though it often looks different. Younger children tend to move in and out of sadness quickly, crying one minute and asking about presents the next. Teens may want the holidays to feel normal, or hide their own sadness to protect you.

A few things tend to help:

• Tell them the plan ahead of time, including what will be different this year.
• Use plain, honest words about the loss, at a level they can follow.
• Let them choose a way to remember the person, such as an ornament, a photo or a favorite food.
• Keep some routines steady, like bedtime.
• Let them see you sad sometimes. It shows them grief can be talked about.

If a child’s sleep, behavior or schoolwork changes a lot and stays changed, or a teen pulls away from everyone, talk with their pediatrician or a therapist. We see teens through teen therapy and whole households through family therapy. Teen and child therapy are not offered in Tennessee.

Go easy on yourself

Grief takes energy, and the holidays ask for more. Lowering the bar isn’t failing.

• Expect mixed feelings. You may laugh at the table and cry in the car an hour later. Enjoying a moment is not a betrayal of the person you lost.
• Look after the basics. Sleep, regular meals and some time outside matter more when you are running low.
• Go easy on alcohol. A drink can seem to take the edge off, but alcohol tends to disrupt sleep and lower mood, and it can make a hard night harder.
• Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend. You wouldn’t tell a grieving friend to be over it by New Year’s.

The holidays don’t set a deadline for feeling better. Grief moves at its own pace.

When grief needs more support

Grief is not a disorder, and you don’t need a diagnosis to deserve support. Still, reach out to a therapist or your doctor if:

• You can’t keep up with the basics, such as work, meals, sleep or caring for your children, and it isn’t easing.
• You feel numb or cut off from everyone, and it isn’t lifting.
• You steer around every reminder of the person, until your life keeps getting smaller.
• You are leaning on alcohol or other substances to get through.
• The loss was sudden, violent or traumatic, and you keep reliving it.
• You feel that life isn’t worth living, or that you want to be with the person who died.

None of these mean you are grieving the wrong way. They mean you are carrying more than one person should carry alone.

If you are thinking about ending your life or harming yourself, reach out now. Call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, at any hour. If you are in immediate danger, call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

How grief counseling fits in

Grief counseling isn’t about getting over someone. It is a place to say what you can’t say at the holiday table, plan the season, and sort through the guilt, anger or even relief that can come with a loss.

At New Reflections Counseling, grief counseling is offered by secure video in the states where we are licensed, and in person at our Wellington, Florida office. You don’t need a diagnosis or a referral to start, and most people are seen within a week. There is no set number of sessions. Starting before the holidays is fine, and so is starting after them.

If the season already feels heavy, you don’t have to wait until January. Contact us and we will match you with a clinician licensed in your state, or check your insurance first.

Common questions

Is it normal to dread Thanksgiving and Christmas after someone dies?

Yes. Many grieving people find the run-up harder than the day itself, and making a plan often takes some of the weight off.

How can I help someone who is grieving during the holidays?

Say the person’s name and share a memory. Invite them, and make it easy to say no or leave early. Offer something specific, like “I’ll drop off dinner Tuesday.” Then check in again in January, after most people have stopped asking.

Does insurance cover grief counseling?

It depends on your plan. Check your insurance and we will verify your benefits for free, with results by email in 1–2 business days. Self-pay is $125 per individual session and $175 for couples, family or EMDR. Sessions are 45–50 minutes.

We offer therapy by secure video in Florida, New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, North Carolina, South Carolina, Colorado, Pennsylvania, Illinois, Tennessee and Rhode Island. You need to be physically in the state at the time of your session. In-person sessions are available at our Wellington, Florida office; in-person times in Cary, North Carolina are full right now, so new North Carolina clients start by video. All New Jersey sessions are by secure video.

More on This

• Grief Counseling: Coping With Loss, Grief, and Emotional Healing
• Grieving a Future That Is Not Going to Happen
• Grieving a Relationship Breakup: How to Heal After Heartbreak
• When a Parent Cannot Meet You Emotionally: A Guide for Adult Children
• Feeling Lonely: Why It Hurts and What Helps
• Seasonal Depression (SAD): Signs, Treatment and What Helps